Arrrgh-uments

Sep 1, 2005

Stumble reads my mind. I squandered the opportunity to click ‘No’ when I was asked “Do you want a cookie set in your brain?”. I don’t regret it though.

Anyways, it served this (today of all days - don’t ask me why) in a fine plate, garnished and everything.

This guy talks about the things that he and his girlfriend have argued about. Hilariously charming British humor! I laughed hysterically, uncontrollably… I am sure you’ll be identify yourself with several of the arguments.

Here are some extracts for the linkually-challenged (a terribly handicapped population who can’t click on links - it is known as ‘laziness’ in certain uncivilized parts of the world):

See if you can spot the difference between these two statements:

(a) “Those trousers make your backside look fat.”

(b) “You’re a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision - depressingly far removed from the, ‘stupid, squeaky, pocket-sized English women,’ who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you.” Maybe the acoustics were really bad in the dining room, or something.

Arguments. There are many arguments we have over arguments. ‘Who started argument x’, for example, is a old favourite that has not had its vigour dimmed by age nor its edge blunted through use. Another dependable companion is, ‘I’m not arguing, I’m just talking - you’re arguing,’ along with its more stage-struck (in the sense that it relishes an audience - parties, visiting relatives, Parent’s Evenings at school, in shops, etc.) sibling, ‘Right, so we’re going to get into this argument here are we?’

An especially frequent argument argument, however, is the result of Margret NOT STICKING TO THE DAMN ARGUMENT, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. Margret jack-knifes from argument to argument, jigs direction randomly and erratically like a shoal of Argument Fish being followed by a Truth Shark. It’s fearsomely difficult to land a blow because by the time you’ve let fly with the logic she’s not there anymore. A row about vacuuming gets shifted to the cost of a computer upgrade, from there to who got up early with the kids most this week and then to … , those-are-hair-scissors-don’t-use-them-for-paper and, ‘When was the last time you bought me flowers?’ all in the space of about seven exchanges. ‘Arrrrrrgggh! What are we arguing about? Can you just decide what it is and stick to it?’

You definitely should read the rest, even if you are linkually challenged. Here you go…

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