3K(p): 'When Evil Cats Attack'

Enjoy this post by our guest blogger, the ‘Queen of Satire’, 3K(p):

Many a time have I witnessed this wonder of a woman’s habitual routine when a cat is within human sight. I can tell you, to witness the happenings when she and a furry feline are within eye sight of each other, is one one-of-a-kind experience. Believe me, I know. The following is an example of how a hypothetical event would take place when The Cat meets Mrs. Ramesh.

She would probably be seated, extremely engaged in a story, interestingly animatedly narrating it to her fellow comrades, when out of the blue, a piercing shriek cuts through the air! By the time, everyone around her has recovered from the shock of the sudden loud noise, they discover Mrs. Ramesh standing on a chair and/or table, pointing at some foreign object, declaring in loud incoherent utterances that the ‘evil cat’ has come to gobble her up. Oh what trauma!

This is followed by many shivers and shudders from the lady, and if you happen to be standing next to her during this moment, you can be sure to be used as a human shield against the ‘evil cat’: she will grab you and spin you around until she is positively sure the cat has absconded from her sight. In the midst of all this haa-hoo, spectators finally realize this woman is not clinically insane, she is just afraid of the lounging feline that is seated on the ground ten feet away from her. But of course, the cat is nowhere to be seen at this moment – the earth shattering scream has frightened away the poor thing, tail between its legs!

By the time the feline is removed from the sight of Mrs. Ramesh, she is comparatively calm, now seated on the chair rather than standing on it. Although, you can see it on her face – the utter fear that the Monstrous Cat has struck her with, as she glances around rapidly, frightened for her life that it will return to bring her to her doom.

I know many who have been subjected to being used as a Human Shield against the Evils of a Stationary Cat. It truly reminds one of how the warriors of ancient times used metal shields in front of their faces, to escape the deadly arrows of the enemy: let us assume Mrs. Ramesh is the warrior in this scenario, the Evil Cat being her enemy. The warrior slowly approaches the enemy, Human Shield forever in front just in case the Evil Cat decides to pounce on her in a vengeful rage.

She peeks and ducks behind the said Human Shield, until she finally reaches a point of five feet from the enemy. This is followed by many exclamations of how ‘scary looking’ and ‘terrifyingly spooky’ the Evil Cat looks. And then predictably, the warrior retreats! Mrs. Ramesh flees the scene immediately, completely appalled that the Evil Cat had dared to look so Evil.

Oh what an outrageously unbearable trauma Mrs. Ramesh has to go through when a cat appears! Woe is she! If law permitted it, she would sue the cat in court and order a restriction order of twenty-five feet minimum. Or maybe it would be the other way around, now wouldn’t it.